


self-control

by cereal_whore



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Anorexia, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Depression, Eating Disorders, Like guys this isnt all gonna be happy, Mental Illness, Mental Instability, Other, Panic Attacks, Self-Denial, Self-Hatred, also there are gonna be a lot of weird and crack events, and most likely well be seeing some stolen pets here, dnot do drugdsfa kids, holy shit guess whos gonna make this into more than just a one shot, idek lets see what comes up here, imagine just kuroo and bokuto doing weird shit but like high, just. - Freeform, like just remember i dont have an ability to write serious shit and all of my stuff is just crack, like., lol have fun yall, nobody actually gets high
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-10
Updated: 2017-10-10
Packaged: 2019-01-15 14:06:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12322500
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cereal_whore/pseuds/cereal_whore
Summary: Kuroo Tetsurou is and was forever fine. He’s in control.He’s fine(Because-Boys don't get anorexia.)





	self-control

**Author's Note:**

> :)
> 
> Guys--
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> Have fun with this short chapter.
> 
> And also===sdfopads
> 
> just saying, ed disorders are real and very, very possessive. They're not good, romantic, or lovely. And the worst part is, it's like heroine or any other drug- it's addicting. Once it starts working [anorexia, bulimia, etc], you don't really want to stop.
> 
> So this is not going to be a fic that romanticizes these sort of things, if that's what you're looking for, and honestly, if you're looking for one of those fics, I won't judge you, but please, try and understand that it's not really morally well of you to exploit others' suffering and mental illnesses for the sake of your own romantic fantasies.
> 
>  
> 
> But lol okay.

 

It's a drug perhaps. Perhaps what he's getting involved in, he must be cautious about. The drug itself manifests within one's mental state, anchoring itself deep into the emotions of its host.

A parasite.

No longer simply a drug, as it develops a sentient on its own, whispering cutting leers into the mindset of its victim with snark and a sadistic sense of pleasure.

Feeding off its host's beliefs and religiously loyal sense of inferiority towards it, it easily devours the victim, crunching its bones into ashes, leeching the fat, shredding the meat of its prey into an air of cruelly rejected hunger. The skin of their victim flakes into translucent, grey pellets, the hair withered and limp as it carpets the floor in dry strands. 

Anorexia is not just a parasite. It's a blood disease.

Traveling to all parts of his functioning body, _pulsing, alive, a lifeline,a life sourcea way of lifeawayoflife_

_But he doesn't have it. Because-_

Boys don't get anorexia.

* * *

 

_I'm in control._

Kuroo Tetsurou, is in control.

The numbers are not.

It's okay if he's striving to his goal with the mental motivation of someone who's considering to take a sharp knife to slice off the fat if they have to. He convinces himself that it's not unhealthy to be obsessively driving himself to dip underneath the average weight of someone his height; since after all, he already exercises daily due to volleyball club. Therefore it must be a natural thing to lose weight for an athlete like him. 

 _(Losing muscle isn't the same as losing fat._ But it's still losing weight-- _)_

And besides, it's not as if it's bad for his body to reject junk food. The smell of grease, no matter how enticing, is crisp with guilt and sprinkled with disgust. And while he supposes Bokuto has noticed the sudden instability and lack of mutual support within their conversations and the times they actually hung out, it's not as if he purposefully avoids Bokuto. It's just because Bokuto's love for food always draws them to some shitty McDonalds, and by that point, with him dangerously lax around Bokuto's oblivious humor that he desperately attempts to influence himself with (but fails), he indulges. Thus, while it sacrifices some time with him and his best bro, Kuroo figures that in the end, it's worth it because he's just favoring his physical health by refusing any possibility that could get him involved fast food.

_(But refusing to buy half of the groceries and never eating dinner at home by taking advantage of the lack of your parents' presence is different. When you only survive through a day on a single bowl of broth is different than just devoiding your body of unneeded fat-- you're draining it of nutrients too)_

Also, despite the fact that he's been increasing his caffeine amounts dangerously by punching his hollow stomach with just coffee and green tea in hopes of curbing sudden and predatory cravings to binge, he's actually been sleeping a lot more. The caffeine fuels his brain to continue whirring as his body crumples and curls on his bed, as it finally exhausts itself with no nutrients and food to rely on. And though his brain feels betrayed and desperately jerks himself awake though he wants to sleep, he always ends up with his heart fluttering unsteadily, his brain whining as it's forced to temporarily shut down, and his body limp and splayed. Ergo, he gets sleep. Which is good, since it means it prevents him from being awake and accidentally ruining his fast or repeal of food by raiding his fridge desperately for protein that's not there, or running to his cabinetry and choking down cereal with fatty milk and instant ramen.

 _(You sleeping longer isn't necessarily a positive signal._ Your body is shutting down longer.  _What happens if it one day doesn't get up again?)_

His grades is no longer a priority. 

_(Volleyball is no longer a priority)_

Which means less stress, since his focus is currently on his appearance. Which is fine. It may be slightly vain, but that doesn't necessarily imply it'll overwhelm his life. Because he has control. As much self-control as he has when he locks himself in his room right after school so that he doesn't wander near the kitchen and accidentally eat a pretzel or dangerously test something with carbs. After he finally manipulates his body into something that he can finally love, it'll be fine and he'll attempt to claw his away out of his ruined GPA and disapproving red grades upon his tests. [Never mind that his mistakes are irreparable.] 

 _(What about the stress of how much you eat? Of how many numbers?_ You wish the numbers labeled as the size of your waist, that the numbers that flicker onto the electronic scale, that the numbers coiling through your thoughts as you memorize them from the measuring tape you circled around your thighs would all fall as fast as the numbers on your tests)

In general, he's fine. Because he still loves himself. Just not his appearance. His personality is fine. He just wants to be skinnier. Is that not a natural phase or thought an average student delves into? He just happens to be taking action of it. Which shouldn't be scorned by society. Because he knows-- _he is well aware that as society says they want him to love his body for what it is, they're also secretly hissing behind his back that they liked him better when he changed himself to its preference_. Hypocritical. He can do whatever the fuck he wants. 

And while some days he may obsessive over the numbers, refusing to swallow even crumbles from someone's cracker, unwilling to chew gum out of fear the swallowed air paid for its flavor will cause visible bloating, other days, he just lazily down an entire bag of chips.

And he hates himself after that.

But hating himself after that is just normal. He did something he wish he didn't do. Simple, it's not deep, nothing worrisome about. 

And while he may be slightly disorientated during volleyball practice, it's nothing too effective. His strategic and impulsive conscience may have dullen into a whisper behind the pulsing throb nailing into the crown of his head, and his vision may be slower to connect with, and his body could feel sluggish and disgusting, they're still intact to an extent. So he has all this under control.

 _(He is in control, because the same way society's telling him to change himself, the same way it's telling him_ : boys don't get anorexia)

**Author's Note:**

> The "boys don't get anorexia" theme here, is because it's shameful in society to do so. It's "less common" than girls, because boys never talk about it. It's the same thing with emotional problems, depression, suicidal thoughts when it comes to men. They're taught since a young age to repress emotions, and to never reveal vulnerability for the sake of their masculinity, which actually causes a shitload of psychological problems but okay society sure.
> 
> Basically, kuroo doesn't believe he has a problem, because he thinks that he has self-control, and that things arent going to shit for him .:)))) that, and also I applied the subconscious thought in the back of his head, that since he's a boy, he probably doesn't have anorexia, even though it's clearly developing here.


End file.
